It seems pretty impossible that I’m already half way to 40 weeks. It goes so much faster with a new baby to care for and not morning sickness. 🙂 I’m pretty much the same size if not the same shape now as I was 19 weeks pregnant: half way “there”.

I’ve been thinking alot about the concept of organic. Picking and processing apples from our front yard has a lot to do with it, being mindful of watching my body transform after pregnancy and childbirth is another. Organic literally means derived from living matter so growing a person doesn’t get much more organic. When we pick apples from our yard they are all different, some are bruised or misshaped, the colors are slightly different but they all taste good. “Organic apples” in the store are so much more uniform its almost like a photoshopped version. Its like our whole culture has lost the concept of what everything is supposed to look like, we’ve traded real for an unrealistic concept of beauty. The ironic part, and I don’t even know exactly how I got here, is that despite my organic imperfect body I’ve never felt more confident in it, I’ve never loved it more. How liberating to be 171 pounds and a size 12 and never felt better about myself. What a gift. I feel strong and healthy and just like my apple tree that we’ve never done a thing too and yet it gives us apples every year. I’m sure my body will release the extra stores of energy it needed to sustain my sweet rainbow baby and if it doesn’t it doesn’t matter I won’t love myself any more or any less based on what a scale says.

I’m late to write this week mostly because it barely occurred to me until late last night. I took this as a great sign. 🙂 I have a 4 month old now. A year ago I was just realizing I was pregnant again after 2 losses. We were holding our breath, quietly waiting for this child to be taken from us too and here he is so smiley, strong, and deliciously chubby. Happiness trumps a scale any day. 

I have one PT session left and am still doing my core exercises daily. I made it back to the gym once too and am looking forward to moving my body with joy on a regular basis. (Exercise is such a dirty word) 

This week ended much smoother than it began. Lots of exhaustion and tantrums, mostly mine. 🙂 Despite copious amounts of carrot cake (can’t waste homemade cake!) I still managed to loose a pound. It no longer feels like my pre-pregnancy weight is a distant, unattainable goal even if it is 30 pounds or so away. Sometimes these pictures look all the same to me but it was great to acknowledge to myself that the pants I was wearing in the picture last week were pants I couldn’t even put on after the child of mine was born. So it’s been great to see a familiar body shape returning even if the size is bigger. 

I can start back at the gym this week now that we’ve reached the 4 month mark for the child center. We’ve been so busy and finding a groove I don’t even know where the gym will fit but I’m feeling strong and ready for it thanks to PT and core rehab with strong tummies. I’m going to take it slow and work on incorporating what I’ve learned to maintain the strength I have now. What is always most important to be is feeling comfortable in my body and I’m definitely there. 

Now it’s time to process more apples from our apple tree. 

1. I thought last week was 16 weeks so now I’m confused on how fast time is flying.  

I really feel in the flow this week, like “yea I can totally do this.” I’ve managed a great work/life balance, me/motherhood balance and even handled the house and kiddos solo for 3 days. Don’t get me wrong I still wake up every morning soaked in someone else’s pee and most days end it with that same someone’s spit up streaking my hair and shoulders but it all seems so fleeting: the hard moments, the pull my hair out moments, the tender moments, the oh my god that was the cutest thing anyone has ever done ever moments, the I don’t know if I can do this moments, the life can’t get any better moments, they all go so so very fast. So I am finding the flow in reminding myself it’s all very temporary, to handle myself with humor and to cherish it all. 

I struggled for a long time to surrender to motherhood. A friend told me nothing lights me up like talking about my child. I was so leery of shifting my focus from working to staying at home full time and now I feel like I really understand what she was trying to say. I feel really fulfilled, I feel challenged, I feel like I’m growing everyday. It is the biggest privilege and sacrifice, gift and blessing to be able to have this time. 

I’m working on a super cool cowel hood for myself. It appears I knit as fast as I take tests. It’s thrilling and it’s nice and necessary to have something that is all mine that produces beauty in the world. 

I’m having a “skinny” week. The scale has dipped a couple pounds the last two weeks and all the clothes I bought for my trip a few weeks ago are starting to get too big. Aside from that what is most important to me is that I feel strong. I feel healthy and vibrant and that is nothing to take for granted. 

Week 16

I’m late to writing this week because I went on a cross country adventure alone  with Ian to Poca Fest to connect with my community acupuncture roots and learn. It was a fantastic weekend and Ian did amazing. So on top of continuing to process all I am learning on rehabbing my core post partum there is lots of good acupuncture thoughts swirling around too. I promise to share more when I get some time. It until then here is week 14 picture and some of the lovely Marin Headlands nature bridge where I was this week.

I feel like so much happened this week. I guess every week is as busy but this week there seemed to be a lot of important moments. I overheard Lia playing the other day and she paused to look in the mirror in her room and said so innocently, “Hi, face. You are so beautiful.” It made me feel like I was doing something right. 

I subbed a prenatal yoga class this week also. It was the first time back on the mat since Ian was born. There was an especially tender moment for me in class as we stood in mountain pose and I asked the women to put there hands on baby. As I put my hands on my own abdomen it hit me how this body of mine housed 4 babies. It felt like such a gift to feel my belly, soft and hollow. I felt such gratitude. It was the first time I felt truly connected to this part of my body since we lost our 2nd child. I felt so much grief and anger simply melt away in that moment. 

Lia started preschool this week also. I’m so excited for her and all she will do and learn and grow. The house feels so big and empty and quiet when she is gone and the baby is napping. I don’t know what to do with myself. It reminds me how daunting new motherhood is all alone with a baby, how we aren’t meant to do any of this alone. 

On Ian’s 12 week birthday we were walking the race to save tiny lives. The cause feels especially close to our hearts this year as 3 babies we know spent or are spending their first days in the NICU. I thought of them all.

I know there was more I wanted to say but I did a body combat class this morning with my sister in law and my brain feels as noodle-y as my body. I wasn’t planning on jumping into such an intense class so soon. It can be rough to be in front of all those mirrors. None of my work out clothes fit or fit right but it doesn’t really matter. The body and the number on the scale aren’t a static thing and I’ve already spent far too much of my life saying I will be happy or feel secure in my body or do this or that when this size jeans fit. So in the middle of class I made the choice to be happy and comfortable with the body I have right now and instead of cringing every time I would watch my belly move as I did a kick I would celebrate the fact that I could kick and just like I say many times during a yoga class I lead, “I am stronger (and more beautiful) than my mind tells me.” I’ve never been a fan of obligatory exercise and I much prefer to move my body in ways that bring me joy. I really believe the biggest factor in losing the baby weight after Lia is that I was just so happy and in love. I didn’t spent much time at all ruminating on pant sizes, we were too busy taking walks, and going on adventures. That is the space I’m in right now. 

12 weeks post partum   
2 Days post partum  

4 weeks post partum  

8 weeks post partum 

Week 12

There is a neat article about breastfeeding floating around the internet that talks about how a woman’s body literally melts her ass fat to make milk. I joked once a very long time ago that if someone was stranded on a deserted island with me my butt would make a great meal, I guess my children would also agree. 😉

It was fitting to read about melting this week because that’s exactly how my body has been feeling: like gravity is rolling this pregnancy surplus down. (Maybe it’s rolling to my butt to make milk hehe) 

I’m down another 2 pounds this week which puts me about half way to pre-pregnancy weight. The funny thing about weight though, is that it’s relative. This is the first week that I feel small. At least smaller. Smallish maybe more myself? I can’t find the right words to articulate the feeling. I will say hiding all those clothes that I expect one day to fit again really helps when getting dressed in the morning, that and having clothes that fit right now. I put on pj’s I bought when I was pregnant that I thought would fit after baby was born but had forgotten it takes awhile for the hips to move after babies are born last night and they fit. So I guess you could say it was a good week. It’s all about the little things. 

I finished 2 hats this week and am looking forward to learning how to knit in the round and the magic loop. Here’s my little carrot top.

  
I’m glad I started this reflection. It’s really helped me find more patience and acceptance of my body. Cheers to another week of melting fat to make milk. 😉

This week literally flew by. I’ve been enjoying the flexibility of not having to squeeze in nap time for my daughter. I resisted this for so long and it’s been so great I wish I would have done it sooner. Most mornings I’ve had some quiet time to start the day and an actual evening too. Ian is stronger everyday and so super cute. He gets this surprised look on his face that makes me laugh. I imagine every time he wakes up he thinks he’s still snuggled up on the inside and then he opens his eyes and realizes he’s earth side. What a wild transition it must be! (Especially since he almost always wakes up in a completely different place from where he fell asleep) 

My young niece asked me recently if she looked fat. She’s a healthy, strong kid. It breaks my heart it’s already something on her radar. How did we get here anyway? How have unrealistic, photoshopped images become a worthy goal when it’s nothing anyone has ever seen in person. To all women: you are enough just as you are. Let’s stop buying into all this bs. 

I am learning to knit a hat from a lovely, empowered woman in her 90s. She still drives, lives independently, and works. I love hearing her stories. (I hope I’m half as cool if I get the chance to be that old) I’m hoping to finish the hat tomorrow. 

I don’t have much else to say other than I feel really happy, thankful and strong. The scale dropped another 3 pounds this week which is always pleasant to see. 

Seriously though, I’m reminding you again. You. Are. Enough. Just. As. You. Are