This week has felt like 2 weeks mostly because I’ve been getting up so early with the baby, who by the way is now 5 months and sitting all on his own. Someone please tell him to slow down a little! I feel so much better since I ditched the lattes and that hunk of glue in my guts is gone. I opted for an earlier bedtime and found some real joy in those quiet mornings. This morning for the first time in I don’t know how long I woke up after the sun and before Ian. It was surprisingly bittersweet (I’m not complaining) 

I’ve been on a knitting frenzy but it looks as though I will finish all of my projects on time. I keep adding to my list and overwhelming myself but it’s nice to have a deadline to work towards. I’m feeling like I need something but I’m not quite sure what it is. My brain is achey and wants to learn or maybe it’s my heart it’s hard to tell. 

Lia said this morning, “Mama why are you taking this picture again?” She kind of had a point. Bodies are fluid, they are always changing. Maybe the point is always surrender and acceptance in all things. I find myself thinking what size jeans was I wearing by now when Lia was this age. Why do we do that? Who even cares? So this is me right here and now and it could be totally different tomorrow. 22 weeks ago I had a baby and I can’t imagine life without him.

I’ve spent a lot  of time this week contemplating my addiction to sugar. I’ve always considered myself to be fairly health conscious with a generous love of sweets. My diet improved greatly after Lia was born and seems to be doing more so after Ian except for the last week or so. On Thursday I woke up and could feel the last two weeks of minimal rest and lots of poor choices nestled into my guts like glue. It probably didn’t literally accumulate overnight but it almost felt like it had. Is this the whole cortisol, stress, sleep thing? I wondered. Where is my strong center? I almost pouted. Ok, I definitely pouted. 

When I don’t get adequate rest I make poor choices because I’m already in a clouded haze. I drink usually one cup of tea in the morning but lately the occasional latte has turned into a 3pm survival tactic. My body literally felt like it was running on artificial energy, mostly because it was. All the caffeine and sugar almost made me forget about veggies too. Almost a whole weeks worth is hiding in the fridge. Feeling like crap isn’t always enough to jump start a change for me but early in the week I noticed a familiar rash when changing a diaper. L had it as a baby and it was a a dairy allergy. I don’t usually do a whole lot of dairy and we very rarely have milk in the house unless I need it for a recipe. I had a sneaky suspicion I knew what it was: Ben and Jerry’s and lattes.  🙁 Its been a few days since the junk is out of my system and the rash is fading and I’m finding my energy that isn’t laced in jitters, that and going to bed earlier. I’m finding some joy in the quiet moments Ian and I share together before the world (at least in our house) is awake. I’m hoping this 5 pound weight in my center dissolves as quickly as it arrived.

On another note, I graduated from PT this week too. It was really awesome to see tangible results in my strength. I promise a blog about the process one if these days. I’m up to my neck in knitting projects for the holidays at the moment. 😉 

Week 21

Twenty weeks ago I became a mom of two which is way different than becoming a mom again. I’m eating a pint of Ben and Jerry’s so that should be enough to tell you how the week went (and the fact that I’m 3 days into next week). It’s funny though how even with the struggles, frustrations, exhaustion, burnout etc there’s still so much joy. 

We are all adjusting to the time change. A 5:30p bedtime isn’t much fun at 4am but I will say the quiet and stillness and those big blue eyes staring at me: it’s a sweetness that’s hard to capture. Even in the moment when I so desperately wish we were back asleep I pause to remember it because this need he has for me is so fleeting and when he does finally, thankfully fall asleep I can’t help but give my daughter a quick snuggle too. As she squirms away from me in her sleep I can hardly remember her eyes so big when she was the size of her brother. It’s all so endless and fleeting. 

The scale blinked 169 at me this week. It’s funny where my mind goes. 169 is the 160s which is really close to the 150s which is what I was at after we lost our baby which means I’m only 15 pounds away from “pre-pre-pre pregnancy” weight. It’s really still about 30 pounds but it made me feel less bad about rummaging through Halloween candy. Haha 🙂 Truthfully I was pondering my thoughts from last week about really loving my body right now, maybe the first time ever in my life and really realized how huge that is considering how betrayed and detached I felt by my body after we lost 2 babies before Ian came and how healing it’s been to have him in our lives. 

Facebook is reminding me about where I was 4 years ago just shy of our wedding day. It’s so amazing to think all that transpired for that to happen and the fact that my whole family went all the way to Guatemala to be apart of it. It’s really touching my heart. 

So to sum up: life goes so fast stop for Ben and Jerry’s or whatever gives you joy. (Enjoy the cute little photo bomb this week.)

*i have no affiliation with Ben and Jerry’s it just floats my boat. Half baked or peanut butter fudge core are my favorite in case you were wondering 😉 

It seems pretty impossible that I’m already half way to 40 weeks. It goes so much faster with a new baby to care for and not morning sickness. 🙂 I’m pretty much the same size if not the same shape now as I was 19 weeks pregnant: half way “there”.

I’ve been thinking alot about the concept of organic. Picking and processing apples from our front yard has a lot to do with it, being mindful of watching my body transform after pregnancy and childbirth is another. Organic literally means derived from living matter so growing a person doesn’t get much more organic. When we pick apples from our yard they are all different, some are bruised or misshaped, the colors are slightly different but they all taste good. “Organic apples” in the store are so much more uniform its almost like a photoshopped version. Its like our whole culture has lost the concept of what everything is supposed to look like, we’ve traded real for an unrealistic concept of beauty. The ironic part, and I don’t even know exactly how I got here, is that despite my organic imperfect body I’ve never felt more confident in it, I’ve never loved it more. How liberating to be 171 pounds and a size 12 and never felt better about myself. What a gift. I feel strong and healthy and just like my apple tree that we’ve never done a thing too and yet it gives us apples every year. I’m sure my body will release the extra stores of energy it needed to sustain my sweet rainbow baby and if it doesn’t it doesn’t matter I won’t love myself any more or any less based on what a scale says.

I’m late to write this week mostly because it barely occurred to me until late last night. I took this as a great sign. 🙂 I have a 4 month old now. A year ago I was just realizing I was pregnant again after 2 losses. We were holding our breath, quietly waiting for this child to be taken from us too and here he is so smiley, strong, and deliciously chubby. Happiness trumps a scale any day. 

I have one PT session left and am still doing my core exercises daily. I made it back to the gym once too and am looking forward to moving my body with joy on a regular basis. (Exercise is such a dirty word) 

This week ended much smoother than it began. Lots of exhaustion and tantrums, mostly mine. 🙂 Despite copious amounts of carrot cake (can’t waste homemade cake!) I still managed to loose a pound. It no longer feels like my pre-pregnancy weight is a distant, unattainable goal even if it is 30 pounds or so away. Sometimes these pictures look all the same to me but it was great to acknowledge to myself that the pants I was wearing in the picture last week were pants I couldn’t even put on after the child of mine was born. So it’s been great to see a familiar body shape returning even if the size is bigger. 

I can start back at the gym this week now that we’ve reached the 4 month mark for the child center. We’ve been so busy and finding a groove I don’t even know where the gym will fit but I’m feeling strong and ready for it thanks to PT and core rehab with strong tummies. I’m going to take it slow and work on incorporating what I’ve learned to maintain the strength I have now. What is always most important to be is feeling comfortable in my body and I’m definitely there. 

Now it’s time to process more apples from our apple tree. 

1. I thought last week was 16 weeks so now I’m confused on how fast time is flying.  

I really feel in the flow this week, like “yea I can totally do this.” I’ve managed a great work/life balance, me/motherhood balance and even handled the house and kiddos solo for 3 days. Don’t get me wrong I still wake up every morning soaked in someone else’s pee and most days end it with that same someone’s spit up streaking my hair and shoulders but it all seems so fleeting: the hard moments, the pull my hair out moments, the tender moments, the oh my god that was the cutest thing anyone has ever done ever moments, the I don’t know if I can do this moments, the life can’t get any better moments, they all go so so very fast. So I am finding the flow in reminding myself it’s all very temporary, to handle myself with humor and to cherish it all. 

I struggled for a long time to surrender to motherhood. A friend told me nothing lights me up like talking about my child. I was so leery of shifting my focus from working to staying at home full time and now I feel like I really understand what she was trying to say. I feel really fulfilled, I feel challenged, I feel like I’m growing everyday. It is the biggest privilege and sacrifice, gift and blessing to be able to have this time. 

I’m working on a super cool cowel hood for myself. It appears I knit as fast as I take tests. It’s thrilling and it’s nice and necessary to have something that is all mine that produces beauty in the world. 

I’m having a “skinny” week. The scale has dipped a couple pounds the last two weeks and all the clothes I bought for my trip a few weeks ago are starting to get too big. Aside from that what is most important to me is that I feel strong. I feel healthy and vibrant and that is nothing to take for granted. 

Week 16

I’m late to writing this week because I went on a cross country adventure alone  with Ian to Poca Fest to connect with my community acupuncture roots and learn. It was a fantastic weekend and Ian did amazing. So on top of continuing to process all I am learning on rehabbing my core post partum there is lots of good acupuncture thoughts swirling around too. I promise to share more when I get some time. It until then here is week 14 picture and some of the lovely Marin Headlands nature bridge where I was this week.