I’m late to write this week mostly because it barely occurred to me until late last night. I took this as a great sign. 🙂 I have a 4 month old now. A year ago I was just realizing I was pregnant again after 2 losses. We were holding our breath, quietly waiting for this child to be taken from us too and here he is so smiley, strong, and deliciously chubby. Happiness trumps a scale any day. 

I have one PT session left and am still doing my core exercises daily. I made it back to the gym once too and am looking forward to moving my body with joy on a regular basis. (Exercise is such a dirty word) 

This week ended much smoother than it began. Lots of exhaustion and tantrums, mostly mine. 🙂 Despite copious amounts of carrot cake (can’t waste homemade cake!) I still managed to loose a pound. It no longer feels like my pre-pregnancy weight is a distant, unattainable goal even if it is 30 pounds or so away. Sometimes these pictures look all the same to me but it was great to acknowledge to myself that the pants I was wearing in the picture last week were pants I couldn’t even put on after the child of mine was born. So it’s been great to see a familiar body shape returning even if the size is bigger. 

I can start back at the gym this week now that we’ve reached the 4 month mark for the child center. We’ve been so busy and finding a groove I don’t even know where the gym will fit but I’m feeling strong and ready for it thanks to PT and core rehab with strong tummies. I’m going to take it slow and work on incorporating what I’ve learned to maintain the strength I have now. What is always most important to be is feeling comfortable in my body and I’m definitely there. 

Now it’s time to process more apples from our apple tree. 

1. I thought last week was 16 weeks so now I’m confused on how fast time is flying.  

I really feel in the flow this week, like “yea I can totally do this.” I’ve managed a great work/life balance, me/motherhood balance and even handled the house and kiddos solo for 3 days. Don’t get me wrong I still wake up every morning soaked in someone else’s pee and most days end it with that same someone’s spit up streaking my hair and shoulders but it all seems so fleeting: the hard moments, the pull my hair out moments, the tender moments, the oh my god that was the cutest thing anyone has ever done ever moments, the I don’t know if I can do this moments, the life can’t get any better moments, they all go so so very fast. So I am finding the flow in reminding myself it’s all very temporary, to handle myself with humor and to cherish it all. 

I struggled for a long time to surrender to motherhood. A friend told me nothing lights me up like talking about my child. I was so leery of shifting my focus from working to staying at home full time and now I feel like I really understand what she was trying to say. I feel really fulfilled, I feel challenged, I feel like I’m growing everyday. It is the biggest privilege and sacrifice, gift and blessing to be able to have this time. 

I’m working on a super cool cowel hood for myself. It appears I knit as fast as I take tests. It’s thrilling and it’s nice and necessary to have something that is all mine that produces beauty in the world. 

I’m having a “skinny” week. The scale has dipped a couple pounds the last two weeks and all the clothes I bought for my trip a few weeks ago are starting to get too big. Aside from that what is most important to me is that I feel strong. I feel healthy and vibrant and that is nothing to take for granted. 

Week 16